Musings Between Friends: Embarrassing Facts About Me

Occasionally (well, a wee bit more than occasionally), I read US Magazine.

There.

I said it.

It is lame. It is poisonous. But, regardless, the magazine has this weekly column entitled "15 Things You Don't Know About Me".

OK. It might be "25 Things". But, honestly...I only read it occasionally!

Generally, it is 25 things about a celebrity that is young enough to be my child and of whom I have never heard.

(Quick question: Did I use "whom" correctly?)

Anyway, this column of poison is intriguing to me.

I want to know the things about other people that other people don't know about them.

It most certainly ties into my sick affection for pop culture and voyeurism and a deep need to feel like I belong. Or something.

Maybe I just like to laugh at those pubescent, misguided, extremely hungry billionaires.

I dunno.

BUT, this column has inspired me to ask myself, about myself - what are 15 things that nobody cares to know about me?

Here goes:

1. I do not read street signs. Or billboards. Or marquees. Or advertisements. Or classifieds. Or pretty much any of that kind of stuff. I don't read the Sunday ads. I read books, traffic signs, and US MAGAZINE (wink)! Exclusively. Marketing efforts are lost on me. I cannot explain this.

2. I have no idea where Skinny Margaritas are $3.00 or draft beer is $1.00, where Avon is sold, gas is cheap or who is open on Sunday OR where to get a flu shot....I have recently tried to read all the information aimed at me as it suddenly appears along the side of the road. While I am driving. WOW. I am missing out on some great gym memberships, buy-one-get-one free appetizers, fireworks deals, botox injections, tanning, hearing aids, free mattress delivery, photo reprints and 15% off Sunday buffets! But I keep my eyes on the road, folks.

3. I have an executive membership to Costco...which means absolutely nothing except that I spend zillions of dollars there every year!

It is a 45 minute drive from my house and I read every dang billboard on the way there and back. For now, anyway.

4. I hate wind. I have hated wind since my grandmother told me she was afraid of wind (during a horrible wind storm) when I was an impressionable 5 year old.

Hello, Irene! Thanks for blowing by my house this weekend....

5. This might be cheating a little, because I think most people already know this about me, but I have hundreds, I said hundreds, of trees in my yard that is situated along the coast...of South Carolina...where Hurricane Irene is coming to visit. With her WIND.

Killer trees...

6. I was reading an article (NOT in US Magazine, just so you know) about one of my favorite actresses, Julie Bowen of Modern Family. She says that "Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house." LOL. LOL. LOL!!!

7. I run because of my fear of diabetes, my love for my sister, the hatred of my "lady belly" and because I have significant bone loss. In that order. What gets me through it is my music playlist on my iPod. I create music videos in my head. I star in all of them....I have performed in several Glee numbers, a Wicked performance, oh, and I rock Ke$sha, Rihanna and Brittany. You heard me. I get a STANDING OVATION EVERY TIME!

Don't laugh. I ran 4 miles this morning.

8. I skipped the elementary school Open House tonight. For the 3rd year in a row. BUT, I had my husband send a text to my son's teacher to offer to help "wherever I can"... True story.

9. I am considering taking up space here with an admission of guilt regarding street signs. However, I am not that brave.

10. I am totally in love with Michael.

11. I am in love with Carol Anne and Martha.

12. Rob embarrasses me while making me laugh at the same time - which is awkward for a parent.

13. I like to keep it real. No matter how painful. AND, nevertheless, I am totally in love with Rob.

14. One of my favorite memories from childhood is of seeing the Washington Monument for the first time. At night. I understand that it is now cracked in several places due to the rare earthquake. I also understand that President Obama says that it is "Bush's Fault" that caused it....HAHAHAHAHA!!

15. So, what is really apparent is that I am an republican executive member of Costco that has been surrounded my small drunken people for 22 years (however, I am in love with them) and is afraid of wind, road signs and lives vicariously through fantasy music videos!